I'm not the best at writing blurbs, but a couple months ago I had to write one for a potential critique partner. I feel like it's missing something, (especially Citrine's bit >.<) but I'm not quite sure... Anyway, here's the blurb for The Secret of Moonflower Valley.
Clementine Hazelwood lives in the countryside of Moonflower Valley with her parents and adopted sister, Citrine. Ever since she was born, her kingdom has suffered from the loss of their rulers to the cruel hand of the Foxes; bloodthirsty brutes that prowl the Black Forest and betrayed the kingdom. But Clementine believes that there's more to the Foxes than anyone thinks, and dreams of a brighter future, one where her world is at peace.
Citrine lost her parents in the war against the East Pack when she was six years old. She's never liked the Foxes or cared much about them, even though her sister seemed to.
Flynne Bloomfield lives in the South Pack of the Fox territories. She grew up being told the horrifying history of the East Pack, which went to war with Moonflower Valley and didn't make it out alive.
Six years after the East Pack was destroyed, Clementine and Flynne meet each other and begin an unlikely friendship. And when the regent of Moonflower Valley declares war on the remaining Fox territories, they know they need to do something to stop it. But does a group of teenagers have what it takes to bring peace between three countries and uncover the dark secret of Moonflower Valley? Or are they destined to fail like the late rulers before them...?
Hello again,
I thought I’d come again since you changed it, I’d come back and say a few things.
First, I really feel like the blurb flows a lot better now, so thanks for implementing those changes (now I feel like that one meme of Obama giving himself a medal).
And now it’s time for me to grammar police all over you. There’s just one thing I’d like to mention: ‘her kingdom was suffering from the loss of their rulers’, since it’s in the past tense, while the blurb rest of the blurb is in present tense. I feel like it should be ‘her kingdom has been suffering’ or ‘her kingdom has suffered’ instead. Unless Moonflower Valley is actually doing quite well at the minute economically and socially, in which case I’m sorry. 😔
Also, I hate to be this person, but The Black Forest is already the name of a forest in south-western Germany. So unless your book is set in the real world and Moonflower Valley was actually France this entire time, you might want to consider changing the name.
Bitte sehr und viel Spaß beim Schreiben! 🇩🇪
(I apologise in advance to any native German speakers/people who can speak German competently who had to bear witness to my horrible attempt at speaking your language.)